Battling...

So there is this battle in my head right now - I have another mental health appointment at the VA tomorrow, and I REALLY hate going there. 


Do I need to go? Yeah.


So why the hesitation?


Well, if any of you have ever been a woman, and been to a VA medical facility, you know why. The problem seems to be omnipresent however there are certain specialty clinics that just seethe with repugnance. Mental health is one of them. The pharmacy is another...


You see, most veterans I encounter at the VAMC look nothing like me. They are predominantly old white men, and because I live in Washington DC, old black men too. I realize the ratio of African American veterans to Caucasian veterans remains disproportionate as we correct the erred ways of our past, but I happen to live in a city where this is not apparent. I "go there" because oftentimes I compare the struggles of today's young female veterans to yesterday's black veterans - as a group struggling to find their place in a community of old white men who don't believe they exist as part of that sacred brotherhood.


So when I walk in to this VAMC as a professional young woman - usually in business attire - I might as well be strutting my stuff on some imaginary runway in a strip club. You cannot imagine the leers and raised eyebrows... If the comments are not voiced to me, they are verbalized among the "crowd" just loudly enough for me to hear. It's completely demoralizing. I am a disabled combat-era veteran... These men are supposed to be my "brothers in arms." Instead they are leering and jeering as if I'm some strange piece of meat down on second and main street. This is a tough situation to handle, but given why I am there, it's damn near impossible.


I've done this a few times now - gone to the VA for mental health appointments. You see, I had some trouble in the military dealing with a squad leader who sexually harassed me, a chain of command who refused to acknowledge the problem... all of which resulted in not only taking me out of the running for a promotion to corporal (as retaliation), but also taking away the rank I already had, trying to medically separate me because of a "personality disorder" I did not have, and labeling me a dirt bag. Somewhere in this multi-year marathon of shit, I also broke a vertebrae in my lumbar spine which was misdiagnosed (I know, how do you miss that on an x-ray!!) for a year - so of course being a malingerer didn't help... 


This, along with some other MSTs left me with a lot of mental strife to come to terms with... hence another appointment with VA mental health. It's shameful that our troops do this sort of thing to one another, but they do. I know it first hand. And frankly, if you ask google or VA itself about the frequency with which it happens, you may be a little alarmed (although their numbers are a little lower than other research suggests). But in my mind, what's even more shameful is that I had to deal with all the crap on active duty and keep my lips zipped, and now I ALSO have to deal with it in the veteran's world. It's ridiculous. Shameful.


I sometimes hear ignorant men discussing how women like to "play the victim." I certainly hope the difference is recognized here. When it comes to women veterans who have suffered on active duty, and seek help and treatment from the VA, they are not playing the victim. They have been beaten down, and the "good old boy" system kicks them down again every time they try to get up. Do me a favor. Next time you hear this kind of ignorant conversation, think about that "victim" and her situation. Don't rush to judgment until you've walked a mile in her shoes. And lastly, next time you see that type of behavior at the VAMC, don't hesitate to give an old guy a boot to the butt and call him on it!!  I swear I'm going to make a T-shirt that says "yes I served... no catcalls, please."


Am I not a veteran? Do I deserve to be harassed and leered at every time I walk in to the mental health clinic in an attempt to deal with my MST-related issue? Talk about kicking me while I'm down... This is just one of many reasons why female veterans do not want to use VA healthcare. This is why too many female veterans do not identify themselves as "veteran." Why would any woman in her right mind want to be associated with that group?


Well dammit, I AM a veteran. I served my country. I deployed to the middle east after 9/11, and I am proud of my dedication to protecting America's freedom. I am sick of being treated like a veteran's wife or daughter, much less a hooker on the street corner. You don't have to like me, but you should respect what I have sacrificed for your freedom, especially in light of what I have revealed above - the BS i dealt with while making that sacrifice.  One day I want to walk into the VAMC and feel like I belong there. Until then, I will work vehemently and vocally for change in this community.